A Book Four Rant
by Josatex
Summary: I have a huge fit about all the book 4's cluttering up this archive. If you wish to remain happy in your ignorance, do not read. Mild language, nothing too serious.


Hello. I am, obviously enough, Tameera, and I am here to rant. Or blather. Whichever you people prefer to call it.

Anyway, not to beat around the bush, the reason for this fic and my immense and unceasing rage is this:

Bloody. Book. Four. Fanfictions.

Exactly how many of those are cluttering up this archive? I'll bet my fuzzy socks that half of the people reading this have written or considered writing one. Hell, even I thought one up. It was absolute trash and I'm eternally grateful I never wrote it down or published it. And yet, you know what? Not all of them are horrible. I've read quite a few very well-written fanfics with theories on book four. Those are the ones that actually have a slight spark of originality. But unfortunately there are too few of these, and I think they may be a dying breed. I wouldn't reccomend trying to write a book 4 with originality in mind, you will crash and burn while I laugh at you.

Seriously people.

What I have written here is a (sort of) guide to recognizing and staying away from these wastes of brain power and creativity. Wait, scratch that. For the most part, they don't _have _any creativity. They're all basically the same!

For a start, they all have the same sort of title, so you might get a sneaking sense of exactly what you're about to read just by that. I swear, if I see one more fanfiction called Eldunari, Empire or anything similar, I will go and kick a guinea pig. A cute one too, that farts rainbows and such. For the love of god, if the title isn't grammatically incorrect Ancient Language that translates into something completely idiotic, it's "So-and-so's story" or "Tragedy" or something excessively dramatic like that.

Stay away, particularly if the title isn't spelled correctly, uses chatspeak, isn't capitalized properly, (Do **not **hold down capslock for a title, it makes you look retarded) or just sounds stupid. No one wants to read a story titled "ITz Partie tIyme, Mertag!". No one.

Next hint that it's crap, the summaries. If the summary mentions the next dragon rider and a previously in hiding half-elf in the same sentence, baaad. If the summary mentions Murtagh or Eragon falling in love with/being held in slavery with/helping the always-female protagonist of the story, baaad. If the summary mentions a 'special, hidden, or mysterious ability', baaad. If the story mentions anyone coming back to life/not-really-dying-in-the-first-place, baaad. If the story asks something like "Will the new dragon rider, with the help of (insert someone here) be able to vanquish the evil Galbatorix and bring light to the land?", baaaaaad.

If the story has anyone named "Larabetha", "Star", or "Serafinia Raven Flower Phoenix Whisper Buttercup" in the summary, be prepared for a Mary-sue. These vile organisms breed like flies on a rancid tuna sandwich. Completely perfect, kind, and beautiful, these shallow reflections of reality have no personality or inhibitions. They are filled with plot holes, limitless power and stupidity. All the males, in this case Murtagh and/or Eragon, love them to pieces for their 'irresistible charm and beauty'. There is no way to kill them, and I have reason to believe there is a special place in hell designated for anyone who has ever created and published a Sue knowingly.

As for author notes, if it rambles for more than half the fic, the author just wanted to get their feeling out on paper. Er…computer screen. There should never be anything in the author's note that actually has information; we have summaries for that. For the most part, ignore the notes, they all sound pretty much the same anyway.

And here're the general structures of the two most common book fours:

#1- Beautiful, abused girl who's probably a half-elf native to Alagaesia, finds dragon egg. Egg hatches for her and she gives the hatchling some ridiculous name that sounds good. Empire captures her. Murtagh and Thorn fall in love with her and her dragon while they're imprisoned together. Daring and ingenious escape together to the Varden, where Eragon falls in love with her too. Defeat Galbatorix. Dramatic ending with someone dying dramatically and tragically with many last wishes and words, all of them dramatic (I always laugh my face off at this part, horrid, soulless person that I am).

#2- Unpopular teenage girl who's obsessed with the Inheritance cycle (and maybe her equally unpopular, obsessed friend) is sent to Alagaesia to save it by an unnamed deity or force. Eggs hatch for them, somehow. She falls in love with someone (Murtagh or Eragon, of course) and, if present, her best friend falls in love with the other someone (Murtagh or Eragon). Awesome battle. End of the Empire. With many regrets, the girl(s) return to earth with some deeper understanding or something.

That's it. That's the entire fic. Of course, they normally have 20 chapters of really bad formatting, grammar, and writing, with too much bad romance and teenage angst. It's dragged out to make it seem longer than it really is so the author can seem intelligent and influential, when really it's only about 50-100 real words long.

And the formatting. If the fanfic doesn't have at least barely passable grammar and spelling, it's not worth reading. I don't care how freaking cool the story is, if you can't respect my eyes, I'm not reading the damn thing. If the fanfic doesn't have story structure, it's impossible to read and review it seriously. Without proper formatting, it's crap. That's the bottom line.

Also, very few of the protagonists for these…things, ever obey the laws of magic. They all have cool, awesome or weird abilities that make them extra-special and able to brutally murder the rules with an army of rusty sporks. These are painful to read about, and here's an incomplete list of the reasons they're able to defy all logic and reasoning:

-Half Elf  
-Half Dragon  
-Something to do with their ancestors  
-Grey folk  
-Abilities given by the gods  
-A magical item or talismen of great power they inherited  
-An author self-insert  
-No reason given (This is the most common, for the simple reason that the author was too dumb or lazy to make up a plausable reason)  
-They're just special because they are (Also common)

And yet another thing; so many of these insults to literature don't even make it past the first two chapters for the simple yet pathetic reason that the author got bored with they story. If you're going to write a goddamn story, no matter how crappy it is, you stick to the bloody thing like glue. Or you delete it. That reminds me, I should probably go delete Sugar Highs... ahem. Slightly awkward...

When reviewing these monstrosities, DO NOT FLAME. The author won't take you seriously, and won't respect your opinion, and will not fix the story, no matter how good your reasons are. Unless they're a troll, in which case you are certainly within your rights to flame them, in my opinion anyways. I like putting a list of things that went wrong and ways to improve. (**use proper grammar; that kind of thing goes without saying). **Give them advice, try to stop them from making a total mess-up (It may be inevitable, but at least you can say you tried). Maybe suggest getting a beta. This could backfire though, if the beta also likes crummy book 4 knockoffs. If that's the situation, run. Just run.

So yeah. That's basically it. And if you're someone who has read and enjoyed every book 4 fanfic in this category without exception, you have no life.

Feel free to flame me.


End file.
